突然发现,不是天黑得早了,而是我们已经在过冬令时了。发明冬令时夏令时的人,只考虑过节约能源的问题,有没有想过患季节性抑郁症的人?
这几天很冷。不知道是不是宿舍的朝向不好,屋里冷冰冰的,手脚冰凉,像北京每年来暖气之前的日子。可是不知道马赛的暖气什么时候能来,现在只能靠热水袋过活。
上一次把冰箱里所有疑似有问题的肉都扔掉了,一直没有去超市买新的肉。做饭没有肉吃,不能更凄凉了。
今天出国以来第一次哭鼻子。来法国一个半月了,其实我没有很想家。出国之前,我本以为我会很想北京,但之后发现虽然马赛这不好那不好,但我自己呆在这里很自由。而且一直都很忙碌,每天上课、放学、去超市、休息,没有时间也没有理由去想念什么。只是这几天放假,空闲下来,渐渐想起这一段时间以来被各种各样的人的无视、隐瞒、欺骗。各种落差,也让我慢慢见识到了海外华人圈的阴暗面。我仍旧坐在那个不舒服的椅子上,硕大的窗户,也没有阳光照进来,于是掉了几滴眼泪。
我知道消沉只是暂时的。或者说,我完全不能允许自己一直这样无所事事胡乱瞎想。我不清楚自己与以往究竟在什么地方发生了不同,是心境还是年龄,还是性格。只是现在很少像以前一样一哭就哭不停。我没想结束,但就是没有眼泪了。
曾经读过伊壁鸠鲁的学说,有两条印象深刻。一是他说感觉是判断真理的标准,也是最直接的法则。无关错误,错误只发生在对感觉的判断中。二是他的伦理学说认为快乐是生活的目的,但是应该区分不同的快乐。
如今想想,有的时候我就是在骗自己,不相信自己的感觉,而且把所有短期的、长期的快乐混为一谈。我总是在为自己和他人开脱,降低标准,来迷惑自己真的过得很不错。然后虚的东西都散去,人也走掉,才发现自己不是想象的那样无坚不摧。
我也不知道还要写些什么,该做饭去了。现在只是希望马赛的暖气快点来,还有,下一次一定不要再对那些看似丑陋却很真实的感觉视而不见。
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