罪与罚

周一。下午从单位回家。吞药,睡觉,看了国安的比赛,看了几页小说,看了红蓝白三部曲之红。

这几天我想了很多,犹豫不决,举步维艰。洋洋开导我说,能不能不为别人操心了。渐渐地我觉得,我会远离一些人和一些关系是因为我太圣母了。没错。如果靠得太近,我会不由自主地陷入别人的节奏,想方设法为别人着想。而我又是个自私的人,我不喜欢去做令自己烦扰的事。物理上的我和模糊的幻觉中的我占据着固定的空间,有着固定的界线,真实的也是虚拟的。而我不允许别人去触碰这个界线,也从没遇到过我想要把他领进这个领域之内的那个人。其实不是不允许,只是这真的是一件巨大的工程,我很懒,所以只能选择远离,让圈子没有交集。不然我会被别人的黑洞吸走,很难逃脱。有时候这只能算作是不忍心,而不是仁慈。从经验来看,与其在别人已经习惯你在他的圈子内之后抽身离去杀对方个措手不及,不如一开始就保持距离。这样双方都好受一点。

昨天和wenm去吃韩国料理,我(们)的最爱之一。期间我们聊到看上去每个人都长得一样的韩国女孩,聊到因为我是亚洲人所以我更能适应韩国食物的味道,品着看上去差不多的韩国火锅和汤,争辩中国菜和德国菜哪个更好吃。还有好多,我居然记不清了。他今天给我发微信,我没有回。

我又要请出劳伦斯这位大神了。人家是这么说的:身为女人,一生的尊严和意义,全看她得手的那份绝对、完美、纯粹、至高无上的自由,否则女人活着还有什么意义?还不是为了要甩掉这些老掉牙的、不干不净的男女关系和牵绊。

听到了吗?——“牵绊”——还真是个严重的字眼儿呢。

393 thoughts on “罪与罚

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